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  The Gyaandostaanis woke free from the yoke of Macedonian oppression only in the 10th century. Although this was an oversight as no one had told them that the Macedonians had left their shores about 500 years before that. But the influence is still there. For eg. Macedonia and Gyaandostaan are the only two countries in the world where the concept of ‘dry’ days isn’t entertained. A testament to political understanding and civil consciousness of the highest degree.

  Alexander himself enjoyed the entire two-week stay in the country. He famously said, ‘If there be paradise on earth, then this is not it, but it may be close, somewhere in the nearby vicinity’. Two other quotes on Gyaandostaan are also quoted by him, ‘Why are people so short?’ and ‘The music here has two much treble’. By and large the great man had strange fondness for this country, though due to the staggering effect of red wine, he was never able to correctly pronounce ‘GYAANDOSTAAN’ in public.

  But he left behind a system of governance which evolved into the present Gyaandostaan presidential system. Let’s examine this with a fine eye. Failing that, let’s examine this any way.

  To get a bird’s-eye view, or some such thing, let’s examine the potential hierarchy through a graph.

  At the top sits the president, elected by the people, er... sometimes.

  Dear reader, this is a good point for you to pick up some other book, because the next portion is rather complicated. In case your still reading, I’ll write on. In case you’ve stopped, I’ll write on till you finish reading the other book and come back. Alexander took many wives from GYAANDOSTAAN. He also took two husbands. After some time, he returned the wives. Yet, Alexander’s invasion is important as the Macedonian influence will always be part of GYAANDOSTAANI life, even today. It also explains why many GYAANDOSTAANI men wear tunics.

  GYAANDOSTAAN’S presidential system had one peculiar tenet—the cabinet wasn’t made up of Lt. Colonel Jagee’s party members wholly or solely. In fact, the cabinet was a motley crew and included opposition party members, coalition members, assorted relations, and friends. Many of them had no political standing whatsoever. For instance, the agricultural minister was the President’s barber. The Prez. was very finicky about his hair. He was the only elderly, non-female President in the world with shoulder length hair, which he often wore in two ponytails. To maintain the perfect length, it had to be trimmed every week. Plus, to keep its lustre, hair products had to be constantly administered. And so Prez. Jagee kept his barber by his side. However, when his advisors said it looked ridiculous that the barber went everywhere with him (swimming pools or saunas being the last straw), the Prez. decided to legitimize the barber’s position.

  First he decided to create a new ministry, a ministry of hair couture, but his advisors convinced him this would be a silly idea as most of Gyaandostaan subjects would not be able to pronounce the word ‘couture’. He then decided to do the rational thing. He went by the alphabet and gave him the first ministry that came up, ‘A’ for Agricultural.

  Elections were held every five years and no president was allowed to stand more than three times i. e. 3 terms. However Lt. Col. Jagee found a way to 4th term through a technicality. He changed his name. For his first 3 terms he served under the name of Rupen Balik. For his 4th term he called himself Jagee, and threw a military title in for good measure as well. Later on, we’ll look at Lt. Col. Jagee’s military career. For now it’s suffice to say that today when your building watchman ‘Salaams’ you, remember he has more military experience than Lt. Col. Jagee.

  After this excruciatingly specific, deep-rooted analysis of the political machinery, I’m sure, dear reader, you will now be able to enjoy this book far more. If not, you will definitely enjoy its sequel. One last thing: there were two large parties that fought for supremacy. One was Lt. Col. Jagee’s Sandwich Party which was in power at the present, and in the opposition sat Machado’s Ball and Socket Party. Briefly we will look at how these parties came to be.

  About 100 years ago, the first political party was started. As rice formed the staple diet of the people, it took the name of the Rice People’s Party (RPP). Over many years, it changed names many times but was always loyal to the food products available. The Beetroot People’s Republican Army gave way to the Citizens for Currie Change and Cabbage CoConsumption (CCCC) to the Maize Miletial (MM), until finally settling into Lt. Col. Jagee’s (at that time Rupen Balik’s) Sandwich Party. Jagee explained the name.

  The citizens were the meat and cheese in the middle while the government was the two loaves of bread that protected and safeguarded the people. Keep in mind Jagee (then Rupen Balik) spent 15 formative years of his life in merry England, where constant consumption of the sandwich, the only available dish, caused his relationship with the thing to go from excruciatingly bland and repetitive to I’ve-gotten-so-used-to-it-I-can’t- live-without-it. This is the same sort of neoclassical conditioning that one experiences in marriage and long prison terms, thus also explaining the close parallel between all three, i. e., marriage, prison, and sandwiches.

  The opposition leader was a close friend of Lt. Col. Jagee who went by the name of M. Machado. They were business partners in almost 70 percent of all large construction works around the country. Machado, in spite of being leader of the opposition, held the portfolio of Public Works Minister in charge of all construction and civic repair work.

  For many years there was only one party in Gyaandostaan. It was only 20 years ago that Lt. Col. Jagee (then Rupen Balik), formed the Ball and Socket Party; thus being the only politician to head both opposing political parties in a two-party system in world history. A position that escaped even Hitler.

  Hurt by the sniggering of the foreign press, the oversensitive Lt. Col. Jagee, (then Rupen Balik) ‘gifted’ the party to his business and squash partner, M. Machado. In return Machado was to promise to never to beat him in squash again. We will see later on how M. Machado reneges on his promise. Upto this point also note that M. Machado was not known to have much of a ‘backbone’. It’s not like he had a great pair of legs either, but he definitely had no backbone.

  3

  Reader, now that we’ve set up the story, the action really only starts here. This means three things: 1. It was pointless reading everything up to this point. 2. The publishers should have the good sense to tell you this. 3. I did have the good sense to tell you this.

  Our story finally, or rather most finally, begins on the funeral day. It is Jay Huskee’s funeral and the family, (meaning Sophia only), has decided to go for an open casket. The setting is the lovely Bollalyo cemetery, at the city’s edge. Gyaandostaanis, like most Macedonians, burned their dead sometimes twice. Just to make sure.

  On this particular day (since Jay Huskee’s body and parking coupons were never found), the open casket has nothing inside except for a small piece of orange cloth, which may or may not be part of an orange saree—no one is sure. And Sophia wanted to keep it that way.

  Since no one was clear on whether Jay Huskee was a nice enough man, the eulogy was delivered by Mr D’Souza. As not a soul understood a word, this question was safely tackled. But our story starts with the chance encounter between President Lt. Col. Jagee and Paul Huskee—heir apparent to the Huskee throne.

  Like all good politicians, Lt. Col. Jagee timed himself perfectly. He reached the funeral just as it ended. Jagee was dressed in all his finery. Ever since he had promoted himself to the rank of colonel, he was forever dotting his crisp white uniform with various medals. Though no one dared to ask him how he had Britain’s Victoria Cross, Germany’s Iron Cross, and Gyaandostaan’s Blue Cross all at the same time. Jagee carried the customary white handkerchief and dark glasses, which helped him and many celebrities hide their absolute lack of empathy to those around them. Jagee’s security detail went straight to Paul.

  Soon Bella Terrace, Paul, and Col. Jagee huddled in a corner where everyone could see them. Colonel Jagee decided to get on with investiture ceremony, right then and there at the funeral. />
  Jagee was dressed in all his finery. Ever since he had promoted himself to the rank of colonel, he was forever dotting his crisp white uniform with various medals.

  In Gyaandostaani political tradition, the person who inherits a seat is sworn in through a symbolic manner in which he actually sits on a ceremonial seat and then swears allegiance to the government and the country. A seat was brought in and Paul was placed on it, thus completing the formalities. Unfortunately, since the seat had been freshly painted, Paul took about 15 minutes to get out of it. Meanwhile revelry broke out, with supporters of the Sandwich Party opening bottles of champagne. Thus the funeral turned out ironically to be a rather gay occasion. Jay Huskee would have been proud.

  The next day is when Paul’s life changed forever.

  This is finally where our story starts, dear reader. This time I kid you not. I know we’ve been through a lot together, you and I. But you mustn’t lose the faith. There have been false starts in plenty, I admit, but this is finally final. The story starts with Paul entering President Lt. Col. Jagee’s office. This is where we begin. Finally. I think.

  As the Famous Five entered Col. Jagee’s bungalow, this is what they saw.

  A large hall had 27 pictures of Col. Jagee displayed on its walls. All youthful. In all he was V-shaped and trim. In real life Col. Jagee was on the lighter side. The lighter side of 300 pounds. At the end of the hall was a large red door. As the five went through, they were ushered into Col. Jagee’s gym. A word about Col. Jagee (to save time, we may drop the ‘Lt.’). Jagee was a vain man, a strange man, and a large man. To understand his character, you must first understand that this was a man who declared himself a Colonel and now had four Generals reporting to him! His point ‘What is good enough for Gaddafi is good enough for me’ must be noted.

  Col. Jagee was wearing a tight underwear and yellow shoes. As he saw them enter, he quietly put on his glasses and climbed on to the treadmill. Then he motioned Paul to get on to the treadmill next to his. Paul was worried that he may have to also get into his underwear to fit in, but luckily for him that didn’t happen. As they ran, Col. Jagee started speaking. His stomach was bouncing off his body at an alarming speed. All eyes were transfixed on him. ‘Paul, I need you to take on the Finance Minister’s mantle. Your grandfather had it, and I only took it away from him because of his fiendish dressing and obsession with the colour orange. Let’s make this a prosperous country. We need your youthful exuberance. The finance ministry needs your energy and dynamism. What do you say?’

  Col. Jagee was wearing a tight underwear and yellow shoes. As he saw them enter, he quietly put on his glasses and climbed on to the treadmill.

  As the Famous Five exited quite satisfied, with the eyes upwards, the bouncing belly thundered, ‘Oh yes, Paul, there is that small matter of our fiscal deficit which is 3, 200 crore Ragoos. You need to deal with that first.’ As they walked out of the room, Paul almost vomited. He only stopped because Shabbir Hossein actually did throw up, just under a portrait of Col. Jagee hugging Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg. Or at least they thought it was Gettysburg because Lincoln had never come to GYAANDOSTAAN.

  Paul was in a bind. 3, 200 crore Ragoos! 48 hours earlier, his problem was whether to order in for a Chinese or Thai meal? Suddenly his problem had been elevated into how to wipe off a country’s 3, 200 crore Ragoos deficit?

  I think by now it’s fair to say, our story starts in Paul’s new office, where the Famous Five are in a huddle in which, along with trying to avoid being hit by Shabbir Hossein’s nose, they are desperately coming to terms with a hopeless situation. Hossein quickly outlined the situation. Money was owed mostly to the twice-a-week Democratic Republic of China, a little was owed to the World Bank, and an even smaller sum to Canada. It’s the Chinese who were looking for their sweet-and-sour pound of flesh and who had tightened the focus on Col. Jagee.

  Ray Chow was the most positive. He came out with a four-pronged action plan:

  Increase taxes and duties substantially.

  Find new businesses and avenues.

  Borrow more money to pay off the ‘borrowed’ money, possibly from friendly countries like the US, Germany, or even India.

  Run away from Gyaandostaan when Col. Jagee is sleeping, never to return.

  As the emotions died down, better sense prevailed, and all five decided to go with option 4. Amama started doing the booking for East Timor, everyone’s favoured choice for relocation.

  At this point, Bella Terrace had one of those moments that define human history. You know like when Hannibal crossed the Alps or King John signed the Magna Carta. She sneezed. The sneeze was so loud that everyone seemed to have their senses returned to them, with immediate effect. This allowed the group to think clearly once again. Though obviously no one wanted to sit next to Bella Terrace.

  Amama was the first to get to the point. ‘East Timor has a very bad winter and very little night life. We must think objectively here; I say we go to the Canary Islands.’ Only Paul looked incredulous. In his mind, he wondered whether this really is the ‘crack group’ that could steer Gyaandostaan to safety. At a time like this, leaders are tested. Paul was no different.

  His team needed guidance, vision, a ray of light. Then suddenly it came to Paul—the answer, the solution, the formula to wipe out all their troubles. ‘Let’s drink,’ he said. And so, against the back of a debt of 3, 200 crore Ragoos, the festivities began.

  Paul, again displaying his leadership role, was the first to take off his pants.

  The obvious games followed. Suggestions had to be given to wipe off the deficit. If the rest didn’t agree with the suggestion, the ‘suggestor’ had to drink a double shot of vodka. Luckily, Jay Huskee, while he did a little for the exchequer, also did a little for his vodka collection. He had many different brands, all with Russian names, and none actually from Russia. There was ‘Ya Snaayu’ from Nepal, ‘Vladeevanious’ from Cuba, ‘Cobaka’ from Naples, and ‘Bolshoi Bullet’ from Bulgaria. In fact there was so much vodka that Bella Terrace suggested they start selling some of it to aid the effort against the deficit. She got a double shot for her trouble. However, when Bella Terrace started dropping her pants, Amama firmly believed there was not enough vodka available in the world to digest this particular sight, and in a burst of creativity, he offered that they give Col. Jagee to China as a gift. This brought the room to a standstill. Even Ray Chow, who was wearing Shabbir Hoosein’s pants draped around his neck like a scarf, seemed to warm to the idea. A pantless Bella Terrace, who was trying to convince Amama to come out from under the desk in which he was hiding, liked the idea so much that in the interest of collective harmony and world peace she agreed to put her pants back on.

  We must leave Paul and the Famous Five alone to enjoy their drink, as that is the gentlemanly thing to do, and look at their urgent political matter that seemed to be developing.

  The Ball and Socket Party had an unusual visitor on Tuesday afternoon. Don’t ask me which Tuesday afternoon, because I don’t have a calendar in front of me, so it could have been any Tuesday afternoon. Actually, it could have been a Wednesday or even a Thursday afternoon.

  Okay, so one Friday afternoon, Machado was busy at work in his ridiculously large office, when he received a visitor. Now by ‘busy at work’ I mean he was busy playing video games, since work for Machado meant whatever instruction Col. Jagee gave him. Today he was playing Hit Boss, a ridiculously violent game that seemed unsuitable for adults as it involved no nudity whatsoever. Machado was hard at it. He had in fact just kicked the boss when his phone rang. It was his secretary who seemed quite irate as she had been disturbed by the visitor just when she was about to scale a win, her third in a row, in a game called Angry Birds.

  Machado didn’t want to answer the phone. If he did, he’d land up losing his momentum and invariably lose his winning position as well.

  So the leader of the opposition ignored the persistent buzzer.

  Then he suddenly looked across his desk
and found Colleen Connor standing there.

  Dear reader, at this point you must have turned to your near and dear ones and asked them one of the two things—Do you have Angry Birds, and, or, who is Colleen Connor?

  Colleen Connor’s story was a little like Ray Chow’s, the difference being she was one inch taller. And possibly female. Colleen was born in Ireland, but as her father was a diplomat, she came to live in Bey, Gyaandostaan, from the age of 13. Now, twenty years later, she was 100 percent Gyaandostaani.

  She had made quite a name for herself as a champion for women’s rights and the downtrodden, which she discovered were one and the same thing. Her accomplishments were many.

  For instance, a member of the legislature had beaten up a couple of women at a toll booth. Apparently, the women manning (excuse the term) the toll booth didn’t show him enough respect. They should have been standing, instead they were seated. What he didn’t know is that the ceiling of the toll booth was real low—so if they stood up, they’d hit their heads. Consequently, sitting was the only option.

  The brave MLA, in any case, was aghast at this slight to his position and was completely clueless to the operator’s position. Putting his life in great danger, he charged into the booth along with three bodyguards and then initiated a bout of hair pulling. A game he was clearly cheating at as the only hair on his head was in his ears.

  It was Colleen Connor who led the investigation against the minister. She famously called him a ‘boob’. The name stuck and he was now called the ‘boob’ minister. He was forced to resign under public and media pressure, and though he was quietly reinstated in two months, his new moniker followed him around, much to his chagrin. Recently, the ‘boob’ minister was given the portfolio of Women Upliftment and Child Development—a ministry which he clearly was cut out for. Whenever in GYAANDOSTAAN there was a wife beating, molestation, or sexism case, Colleen and her band of ferocious females were there in full fighting finery. Many males were impaled on their swords.